27/09/2010

Seven weeks and a day

Right size.

Right place.

Heartbeat.

It is now real. It is alive and well.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All the things you can not to

To begin with you are just this unassuming animal, and nature or life of whatever uses you like a bio-puppet to do their bidding.
And than enters society from the left and scares you with all possible numbers, statistics, images, personal accounts and many of the possible outcomes.
Marching in comes science with all the health-facts and the list of forbidden pleasures or in some cases necessities just keeps on growing.
Do not eat sushi, or camamber, for god sake.
Stay away from peanuts.
Don't touch raw meat but cook fresh every day.
Bla, bla, bla.
And than you have to give up smoking, this most prescious of bad habits, and at that point you are having a full-blown identity crises somewhere between hounting image of the suburban housewife-maximus you are destined to become, and the fucking candel profile pictures af all the miscarried cyber-mums-not-to be.
I do not belong.

But let me have this child. My child.

I know life or nature or destiny, that you failed to deliver a proper blow in the past 3 years or so, I know you think it is highest time to break me again, lets do the phenix once more you humm, and it gives me the chills.

Wont it do, that I will be fat like never before? Wont is satisfy your hunger for dramatics that it will break my carrier, deform my perfect breasts and shred my vagina?

Don't you think it is a bit abrupt even cheap to take it away from me right when I willingly embrace all those changes?

Only the emergency screening will tell.

23/09/2010

And on the second day

the London rain came down strong and gray, kept her at the flat.
The urge was great, but so was her might and she had no cigarette.
And came dark thoughts and burning fears, but knew its probably just the nicotine. Or the lack of it. No rhyme.
Played with thought, toyed with a flag, trying to flip it between fingers, did not break it, did not light it, hero of thursday, thy ashtray it dry.

22/09/2010

Change

Oh you know, life will pick you up and throw you far away from the familiar and predictable, before you would ever flirt with boredom.

So in my self-afflicted house-arrest I decided to briefly explaing why there was the big break: we moved away from Budapest. And in my head this blog was strongly tied to living there. It did not work out. It broke my heart, but it came to an end and I am back in London since 17 months. (for the time being)

And that was when the economy crashed and burned and I thought I will never get a job, but I did. And it was a dream, and as of today I still have it. Head of Communication and Programming at the Hungarian Cultural Centre London. Sort of deputy.

But life might just pick me up and throw me to royal windsor. Say no more.

But change is good. I choose this lighter skin for my blog, I changed my hair recently, I got married since I last wrote.

Change is great, yesterday I was a smoker today I am not.

And I have not even told you about the biggest change of all...

I have done it before

Yes about 3 years ago, so i know it is possible.
I know that eventhough you think your life will come to a frustrating end, it does not.
There is pain I remember, physical, mental torment.

One gets very tense.
One cant shit.
One starts caughing up the gray matter of the lung. - Are you ok? People knocking on the door.
One wants nothing more than to sleep through the day.
Oh my god. I have just reached for a cigarette, involuntary, uncounscious movement.

This is the real bitch, that it is deeply rooted in you. Deeper than you know.

You should not even try to imagine it, you who never smoked. For me it was like your lung is going to collapse. A frightening spasm on the inside, as if by giving up smoking, you forgot how to breathe as well. Until you light a cigarette your sheer exsistance is in danger, and you have to live through it minute by minute.

I went without a cigarette 26 minutes since I woke up, but who is counting.

I know I have to

Day one of cold turkey. Morning. Coffe. I forgot to pour in milk or sweeten it with sugar. Guess I am a bit nervous.

Day one of not smoking. Morning. Coffe. No cigarette.

And of course I have longingly entertained the thought that one goodby cigarette could not hurt in fact it would rid of the nasty morning cravibgs - nastier than all really - but if I do that, than in ten minutes I will be 10 minutes into giving up, ands as it stands, given that I have just woken, I have not had a cigarette for a whole 10 hours.

I know I have to.

Let me get some milk and sugar.