I am.
Even though I have been reluctant to admit its merit as a form of art. I thought it is the creative past time of the lazy, the button pushers. I have met people like Dobos Tamas and therefore I have changed my mind.
Even though when I have changed my mind I also realised just how technical it was. In the past turning the lens to get a sharper image seemed a bit intimidating, let alone the mechanical alchemy of measuring light. And the post production phase. The atmosphere of a studio. That intense and out of the ordinary encounter between two people on either side of the camera.
About a year ago it really started fascinating me, I wanted to observe the process as eagerly as I wanted to watch basketball when I was 12, or theatre when I was 14 (and ever since) And I had some opportunities.
Yet at this point in my life I believe I am fully aware of the list of my sternghts and with visual arts it is much more voyeurism and critique than an active love affair.
I think I am a good second eye, even a great one, with exquisite taste, I can form and express detailed oppinion about why I like something, and my taste is stubborn and individual. So I am the right person to give feedback, challenge a concept or choose wallpaper and the likes.
But I never thought that images should be the medium of my message. Partly because this is not how my brain works, perhaps because my life has been wrapped up in words from the start, partly because I am a bit rubbish.
So the attitude is wrong: images, visual art for me is always the means and not the ends. It is there to inspire, to instantly give, to narrate, or reflect, to illustrate: it is a precious role, but only a supporting act.
And the skill set is wrong: I am slightly technophobe, and I take crap pictures.
Is life to short for detours? Should I not bother just because I know I am not predestined to be the next Brassai?
Life needs to have a rich texture.
I am flirting with photography.
31/12/2010
First and last dawn of 2010
This is soo familiar and it happened to me before.
Being wide awake at the crack of my day. When times are challenging in the nicotine department times tend to get a whole lot longer.
Effectively, when every single thing becomes the sheer act of not smoking the day expands to 48 hours on its own accord, and than the non-smoker du jour get up a good five hours before it is necessary.
But it is all well, it is a battle I will win, against my own will for the most part, which makes fighting all the bit harder.
But as I said this is nothing new, I remember a morning just like this circa 2006 in Notting Hill, showing down a phallic piece of Shwiss white chockolate, as if my life would depend on it, thinking the sun will never raise on my early-bird tits.
But it does. It is not a hypothesis. Only according to snobs.
Good by 2010, so long most exciting year of my life so far, bring it in 2011, entertain me, delight me thrill me.
I know you will.
Coffee is brewed.
Being wide awake at the crack of my day. When times are challenging in the nicotine department times tend to get a whole lot longer.
Effectively, when every single thing becomes the sheer act of not smoking the day expands to 48 hours on its own accord, and than the non-smoker du jour get up a good five hours before it is necessary.
But it is all well, it is a battle I will win, against my own will for the most part, which makes fighting all the bit harder.
But as I said this is nothing new, I remember a morning just like this circa 2006 in Notting Hill, showing down a phallic piece of Shwiss white chockolate, as if my life would depend on it, thinking the sun will never raise on my early-bird tits.
But it does. It is not a hypothesis. Only according to snobs.
Good by 2010, so long most exciting year of my life so far, bring it in 2011, entertain me, delight me thrill me.
I know you will.
Coffee is brewed.
21/12/2010
Journeis around my womb
Welcome to the countdown.
To these last words before physical matter triumphs over intellect.
Read them before I will be draged away from the keyboard by my nurturing breasts.
And behold as words like womb and breast take over my once colorful vocabulary.
The last attempts of a vessel to write a blog.
How hormonally melodramatic of me.
I buy books to give the best possible start to the growing life inside me.
I buy books in an attempt to preserve precious thought.
We read The Guardian today and some poems by Emily Dickinson.
I have you know.
To these last words before physical matter triumphs over intellect.
Read them before I will be draged away from the keyboard by my nurturing breasts.
And behold as words like womb and breast take over my once colorful vocabulary.
The last attempts of a vessel to write a blog.
How hormonally melodramatic of me.
I buy books to give the best possible start to the growing life inside me.
I buy books in an attempt to preserve precious thought.
We read The Guardian today and some poems by Emily Dickinson.
I have you know.
12/11/2010
Out of office reply
I got this idea for a sort story about a man typing up his suicide note in his out of office reply.
This is a brilliant idea remains a morbid blog post for now.
This is a brilliant idea remains a morbid blog post for now.
01/11/2010
Talk, talk and talk some more
The man I love is the best listener. His ears are strong pillars of our relationship. I can talk to him for hours.
We listend to the swanlake yesterday and I was mentally unloading and emotionally oversharing on our tiny broken coutch.
In my defence: I did not cry and he prompted it.
He asked me:
What are you worried about? Those five little words spell Pandora's box with a handful of hormones, and he knew.
Worries are the evil twin of daydreams I have come to believe.
I should not take them seriously.
We listend to the swanlake yesterday and I was mentally unloading and emotionally oversharing on our tiny broken coutch.
In my defence: I did not cry and he prompted it.
He asked me:
What are you worried about? Those five little words spell Pandora's box with a handful of hormones, and he knew.
Worries are the evil twin of daydreams I have come to believe.
I should not take them seriously.
Day of the Dead
Halloween for most of you serves me with the unexpected pleasure of a day of.
I could get used to this, I am training myself to let go of carrier and prepare for the other option.
We, the fetus and I hit 3 months yesterday.
This is an important milestone in pregnancy. This is when they stop talking about miscarrige and start with the Down syndrome, and the voluntary termination of pregnancy.
I am also supposed to feel a sudden surge of energy about now, but I think it is just a physical illusion for those who spend the first few months of this blessed state projectile vomiting.
I could get used to this, I am training myself to let go of carrier and prepare for the other option.
We, the fetus and I hit 3 months yesterday.
This is an important milestone in pregnancy. This is when they stop talking about miscarrige and start with the Down syndrome, and the voluntary termination of pregnancy.
I am also supposed to feel a sudden surge of energy about now, but I think it is just a physical illusion for those who spend the first few months of this blessed state projectile vomiting.
18/10/2010
Dumb and Dumber
First time parents.
Clueless.
We don't even know what to buy.
Transfixed on little Prada shoes birth to three months.
Mesmerized by little dresses, pretty with embroidery and all. Just in case newborn has to go to a ball.
But what pushes me over the edge is buggies.
I really want a nice one.
Although they are 700 pounds and probably by the time I will get to use it will be a whole different situation.
A new life.
A new life with new priorities and and humangus breasts.
A designer buggy would just mock my great-big, vertically expanding, knee-length breasts.
Clueless.
We don't even know what to buy.
Transfixed on little Prada shoes birth to three months.
Mesmerized by little dresses, pretty with embroidery and all. Just in case newborn has to go to a ball.
But what pushes me over the edge is buggies.
I really want a nice one.
Although they are 700 pounds and probably by the time I will get to use it will be a whole different situation.
A new life.
A new life with new priorities and and humangus breasts.
A designer buggy would just mock my great-big, vertically expanding, knee-length breasts.
Information overload
Oh, if there is one time when the less you can find out the better it is when you are pregnant.
Expecting and the internet do not match, I think one schould just read one book and stick to it and not listen to much else.
If you happen to be Hungarian and you are friends with a few of your homies than you will do well not to slap the fools who never had as much as a misscarriage but will have plenty of good advise and guidelines.
Oh and the words, the bloody words, yummy mummy, fuck off, but what really is an outrage is "pocaklako" which is like tummy-tenant. I hear that or read that and want to shout at the cretens in furious anger.
Ok, so I am nice the whole day, than I let anger walk me home (commute fueled by private mind games in witch I handle a very tricky situations, defending people, etc..)
Than I calm down.
But occasionally I will have to cyber rumble.
Sorry.
Expecting and the internet do not match, I think one schould just read one book and stick to it and not listen to much else.
If you happen to be Hungarian and you are friends with a few of your homies than you will do well not to slap the fools who never had as much as a misscarriage but will have plenty of good advise and guidelines.
Oh and the words, the bloody words, yummy mummy, fuck off, but what really is an outrage is "pocaklako" which is like tummy-tenant. I hear that or read that and want to shout at the cretens in furious anger.
Ok, so I am nice the whole day, than I let anger walk me home (commute fueled by private mind games in witch I handle a very tricky situations, defending people, etc..)
Than I calm down.
But occasionally I will have to cyber rumble.
Sorry.
09/10/2010
Meeting Spring
I think it is much better to have the baby arrive in spring. Because it is met by a world of sunshine and warm, which might be enough for a sunny disposition.
We live in the Uk.
Baby will know that world can be sunshine and warm for a few hours before it goes away.
We live in the Uk.
Baby will know that world can be sunshine and warm for a few hours before it goes away.
07/10/2010
Silence
I will not speak about the many discomforts of life nowadays.
Enough to feel them.
Think about them.
They match my anxieties and nightmares. All in dark greens of shades.
I carry them all.
The pain, the joy, the life, the aches.
And yet I am happy.
Happy in a way I was never before.
Enough to feel them.
Think about them.
They match my anxieties and nightmares. All in dark greens of shades.
I carry them all.
The pain, the joy, the life, the aches.
And yet I am happy.
Happy in a way I was never before.
27/09/2010
Seven weeks and a day
Right size.
Right place.
Heartbeat.
It is now real. It is alive and well.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Right place.
Heartbeat.
It is now real. It is alive and well.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
All the things you can not to
To begin with you are just this unassuming animal, and nature or life of whatever uses you like a bio-puppet to do their bidding.
And than enters society from the left and scares you with all possible numbers, statistics, images, personal accounts and many of the possible outcomes.
Marching in comes science with all the health-facts and the list of forbidden pleasures or in some cases necessities just keeps on growing.
Do not eat sushi, or camamber, for god sake.
Stay away from peanuts.
Don't touch raw meat but cook fresh every day.
Bla, bla, bla.
And than you have to give up smoking, this most prescious of bad habits, and at that point you are having a full-blown identity crises somewhere between hounting image of the suburban housewife-maximus you are destined to become, and the fucking candel profile pictures af all the miscarried cyber-mums-not-to be.
I do not belong.
But let me have this child. My child.
I know life or nature or destiny, that you failed to deliver a proper blow in the past 3 years or so, I know you think it is highest time to break me again, lets do the phenix once more you humm, and it gives me the chills.
Wont it do, that I will be fat like never before? Wont is satisfy your hunger for dramatics that it will break my carrier, deform my perfect breasts and shred my vagina?
Don't you think it is a bit abrupt even cheap to take it away from me right when I willingly embrace all those changes?
Only the emergency screening will tell.
And than enters society from the left and scares you with all possible numbers, statistics, images, personal accounts and many of the possible outcomes.
Marching in comes science with all the health-facts and the list of forbidden pleasures or in some cases necessities just keeps on growing.
Do not eat sushi, or camamber, for god sake.
Stay away from peanuts.
Don't touch raw meat but cook fresh every day.
Bla, bla, bla.
And than you have to give up smoking, this most prescious of bad habits, and at that point you are having a full-blown identity crises somewhere between hounting image of the suburban housewife-maximus you are destined to become, and the fucking candel profile pictures af all the miscarried cyber-mums-not-to be.
I do not belong.
But let me have this child. My child.
I know life or nature or destiny, that you failed to deliver a proper blow in the past 3 years or so, I know you think it is highest time to break me again, lets do the phenix once more you humm, and it gives me the chills.
Wont it do, that I will be fat like never before? Wont is satisfy your hunger for dramatics that it will break my carrier, deform my perfect breasts and shred my vagina?
Don't you think it is a bit abrupt even cheap to take it away from me right when I willingly embrace all those changes?
Only the emergency screening will tell.
23/09/2010
And on the second day
the London rain came down strong and gray, kept her at the flat.
The urge was great, but so was her might and she had no cigarette.
And came dark thoughts and burning fears, but knew its probably just the nicotine. Or the lack of it. No rhyme.
Played with thought, toyed with a flag, trying to flip it between fingers, did not break it, did not light it, hero of thursday, thy ashtray it dry.
The urge was great, but so was her might and she had no cigarette.
And came dark thoughts and burning fears, but knew its probably just the nicotine. Or the lack of it. No rhyme.
Played with thought, toyed with a flag, trying to flip it between fingers, did not break it, did not light it, hero of thursday, thy ashtray it dry.
22/09/2010
Change
Oh you know, life will pick you up and throw you far away from the familiar and predictable, before you would ever flirt with boredom.
So in my self-afflicted house-arrest I decided to briefly explaing why there was the big break: we moved away from Budapest. And in my head this blog was strongly tied to living there. It did not work out. It broke my heart, but it came to an end and I am back in London since 17 months. (for the time being)
And that was when the economy crashed and burned and I thought I will never get a job, but I did. And it was a dream, and as of today I still have it. Head of Communication and Programming at the Hungarian Cultural Centre London. Sort of deputy.
But life might just pick me up and throw me to royal windsor. Say no more.
But change is good. I choose this lighter skin for my blog, I changed my hair recently, I got married since I last wrote.
Change is great, yesterday I was a smoker today I am not.
And I have not even told you about the biggest change of all...
So in my self-afflicted house-arrest I decided to briefly explaing why there was the big break: we moved away from Budapest. And in my head this blog was strongly tied to living there. It did not work out. It broke my heart, but it came to an end and I am back in London since 17 months. (for the time being)
And that was when the economy crashed and burned and I thought I will never get a job, but I did. And it was a dream, and as of today I still have it. Head of Communication and Programming at the Hungarian Cultural Centre London. Sort of deputy.
But life might just pick me up and throw me to royal windsor. Say no more.
But change is good. I choose this lighter skin for my blog, I changed my hair recently, I got married since I last wrote.
Change is great, yesterday I was a smoker today I am not.
And I have not even told you about the biggest change of all...
I have done it before
Yes about 3 years ago, so i know it is possible.
I know that eventhough you think your life will come to a frustrating end, it does not.
There is pain I remember, physical, mental torment.
One gets very tense.
One cant shit.
One starts caughing up the gray matter of the lung. - Are you ok? People knocking on the door.
One wants nothing more than to sleep through the day.
Oh my god. I have just reached for a cigarette, involuntary, uncounscious movement.
This is the real bitch, that it is deeply rooted in you. Deeper than you know.
You should not even try to imagine it, you who never smoked. For me it was like your lung is going to collapse. A frightening spasm on the inside, as if by giving up smoking, you forgot how to breathe as well. Until you light a cigarette your sheer exsistance is in danger, and you have to live through it minute by minute.
I went without a cigarette 26 minutes since I woke up, but who is counting.
I know that eventhough you think your life will come to a frustrating end, it does not.
There is pain I remember, physical, mental torment.
One gets very tense.
One cant shit.
One starts caughing up the gray matter of the lung. - Are you ok? People knocking on the door.
One wants nothing more than to sleep through the day.
Oh my god. I have just reached for a cigarette, involuntary, uncounscious movement.
This is the real bitch, that it is deeply rooted in you. Deeper than you know.
You should not even try to imagine it, you who never smoked. For me it was like your lung is going to collapse. A frightening spasm on the inside, as if by giving up smoking, you forgot how to breathe as well. Until you light a cigarette your sheer exsistance is in danger, and you have to live through it minute by minute.
I went without a cigarette 26 minutes since I woke up, but who is counting.
I know I have to
Day one of cold turkey. Morning. Coffe. I forgot to pour in milk or sweeten it with sugar. Guess I am a bit nervous.
Day one of not smoking. Morning. Coffe. No cigarette.
And of course I have longingly entertained the thought that one goodby cigarette could not hurt in fact it would rid of the nasty morning cravibgs - nastier than all really - but if I do that, than in ten minutes I will be 10 minutes into giving up, ands as it stands, given that I have just woken, I have not had a cigarette for a whole 10 hours.
I know I have to.
Let me get some milk and sugar.
Day one of not smoking. Morning. Coffe. No cigarette.
And of course I have longingly entertained the thought that one goodby cigarette could not hurt in fact it would rid of the nasty morning cravibgs - nastier than all really - but if I do that, than in ten minutes I will be 10 minutes into giving up, ands as it stands, given that I have just woken, I have not had a cigarette for a whole 10 hours.
I know I have to.
Let me get some milk and sugar.
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