22/09/2010

I have done it before

Yes about 3 years ago, so i know it is possible.
I know that eventhough you think your life will come to a frustrating end, it does not.
There is pain I remember, physical, mental torment.

One gets very tense.
One cant shit.
One starts caughing up the gray matter of the lung. - Are you ok? People knocking on the door.
One wants nothing more than to sleep through the day.
Oh my god. I have just reached for a cigarette, involuntary, uncounscious movement.

This is the real bitch, that it is deeply rooted in you. Deeper than you know.

You should not even try to imagine it, you who never smoked. For me it was like your lung is going to collapse. A frightening spasm on the inside, as if by giving up smoking, you forgot how to breathe as well. Until you light a cigarette your sheer exsistance is in danger, and you have to live through it minute by minute.

I went without a cigarette 26 minutes since I woke up, but who is counting.

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